February 21st, 2013:
I’m in a funk. I’ve been in a funk for awhile now, a couple weeks, almost a month, I dont know… but right now, I’m sitting alone in my room, listening to my family members taking in the kitchen and the rest of the house, and I’m sitting in my room, door open, crying. And I have no idea why. I feel so alone, so withdrawn in my own home. And I’m keeping these thoughts to myself, and I have no one to go to with them. I feel so abandoned and alone.
I haven’t talked to my best friend in ages, I haven’t been to any social gathering in a week, and the last one to I went to I felt like an outsider among the people I used to consider friends. And then only time I feel like I can communicate with people is individually. I don’t know how to talk anymore.
I’m also tired of reaching out to people. I’m really not that busy, and can go out several times a week with people, but I’m tired of making the effort to connect with them. I feel like a zombie but my skin is alive. I’m so used to being the one to initiate things, but I’m so tired of initiating, I want someone to want me, to want to be with me, to hang out with me.
I spend every work day helping other people, making other peoples day better, taking care of sick people, and trying to be there for the doctors I work for, trying to stay ahead of their every need. But I don’t feel like anyone is there for my every need, and I really don’t need a lot.
I got a text from a friend, just a short verse, probably sent out to a bunch of people, and I couldn’t even respond. I got another text a couple days ago, someone thanking me for doing something for them and then asking me to see if i was joining a bunch of friends on a Friday night. 3 days later I still have not responded because I don’t have the energy right now to even think about going, even though it would probably be good for me.
I’m just sitting here, lacking energy, crying for the first time in months. I’m so confused about my life, I don’t know where it is going, and I don’t know where I want it to go anymore. I was so happy to be here, to be working with the people I work with. I miss working full time and overtime, because then I had an excuse to be tired and just sleep and be lazy on my days off. Now i have no excuse for laying in bed all day except that I have no energy or desire to do anything.
I don’t know anymore, I just don’t know.
/// even though this was from February, and now it’s June, so many of my thoughts are the same.